Before I get started, you may have noticed that I changed the name of my newsletter to “Optimize Your Life.”

I’ve been thinking a lot about my personal brand recently, and “Optimize Your Life” keeps coming up for me as my main vision for what I want to build.

My mission is to continue learning and experimenting with processes and systems to optimize MY life so I can share best practices with you to optimize YOUR life.

This newsletter (along with X) will continue to be my primary mode of sharing what I learn.

Thank you being one of my first subscribers! I appreciate you.

At the end of each season when I coached college baseball, my players completed an anonymous survey to rate and provide feedback about the coaching staff.

Each year, I felt anxiety about these reviews. I dreaded the inevitable negative comments from the players who weren’t happy.

After my first season, the reviews were positive overall, but a few negative comments captured and held my attention. I ruminated about them for days.

I knew I needed a healthier way to process the reviews.

The Reality of Leadership

It’s human nature to obsess over negative feedback and disregard positive feedback.

Nobody wants to be criticized. Everyone wants to be liked and respected.

When you’re leading an organization or team, however, it’s unrealistic to expect everyone to like you. Inevitably, some people will love you, some people will hate you, and most will fall somewhere in the middle.

If you can’t handle this reality, then leadership isn’t for you.

While feeling defensive is normal when you receive criticism, you CAN train yourself to manage the defensiveness and process the criticism objectively.

You Need a System

After reeling for a week or more about the negative comments in my first review, I knew I needed to come up with a system to work through and process the comments AND my emotions.

First, I realized fighting with my reactive emotions (defensiveness) was counterproductive. It only increased my anxiety.

I found it helpful to label my emotions and then sit with them. I didn’t make myself “do” anything for at least 24 hours. I tried to not judge myself for feeling defensive, upset, or any other emotions. I gave myself grace.

After sitting with the emotions for a day, I analyzed the thoughts attached to the emotions. For example:

• “I’m not good enough.”

• “I’m a terrible coach.”

• “I’m not cut out for this.”

Next, I asked myself, “Are these thoughts absolutely true?”

The answer was obvious: No, they aren’t absolutely true.

How did I know? By referring back to the positive comments to see that not EVERYONE was unhappy. I could have just as easily used the positive comments to tell myself that I’m the BEST coach ever.

Going through this process took the edge off my reactive emotions and put my mind in a space to review the comments more objectively so I could CHOOSE how to respond.

Six Steps for Processing Criticism and Feedback

Here’s how YOU can apply this method the next time you receive criticism:

1) Listen without judgment

Whether someone is giving you constructive criticism face-to-face or you’re reading reviews (like my example from above), try to listen without judgment. Avoid judgments such as:

• This is wrong

• This is stupid

• This is a waste of time

Snap judgments like these will keep you from hearing the entire message. Even if the criticism is based on inaccurate information, there may be a sliver of truth that can help you improve.

Obviously, this is easier said than done.

Your ego likely WILL react immediately to defend itself, but if your intention is to listen without judgment, you’ll be able to ignore your egoic thoughts and pay better attention to the message.

2) Express gratitude for the feedback

Expressing gratitude for feedback helps put your mind in the right space to process your emotions.

If someone gives you direct feedback, thank them for delivering the message, let them know you heard it, and assure them you will consider the feedback seriously.

If you’re reading feedback, take a few deep breaths when you finish and say a quick prayer of gratitude:

I’m grateful for this feedback and the lessons it with teach me.

3) Process your reactive emotions

Once you’re done hearing the criticism or feedback, take at least 24 hours (if possible) before you “do” anything.

During this 24-hour period, notice what emotions come up. Imagine you’re outside your body watching the emotions come and go through your body and mind. When you notice an emotion, label it:

• There’s anger

• There’s fear

• There’s resentment

Whatever emotions you experience are natural. Don’t fight against them. Just notice them.

After 24 hours, start processing the emotions systematically. Use the CTFAR method detailed in this article.

4) Review the feedback again (more objectively)

After processing your emotions, you’re ready to the review the feedback more objectively.

Follow this process:

• Write down each individual piece of criticism or feedback you received (skip this step if the feedback was already written, like my example above).

• Grab three highlighter markers, each a different color.

• Highlight each piece of feedback that you deem “valid” in one color.

• Highlight each piece of feedback that you deem “invalid” in another color.

• Highight each piece of feedback that you deem “needs more context” in the third color.

5) Make adjustments and move on

For the feedback you deemed valid, brainstorm potential adjustments and/or solutions and pick one or more to implement.

For the feedback you deemed invald, simply move on as you were. No adjustments are necessary.

For the feedack that needs more context, move onto the next step.

6) Discuss your findings with whomever is appropriate

Finally, schedule a meeting with whomever delivered the criticism or feedback (or whomever makes the most sense) to discuss the adjustments you plan to make and the process you went through to arrive at your conclusions.

This meeting will also give you a chance to further discuss the items you labeled as “needs more context.”

In many cases, this meeting may result in more information for you to work through. This is okay and to be expected.

You may have to work through the six steps multiple times before a final plan is in place, especially if a boss or supervisor needs to sign off on the adjustments you want to implement.

Working through the six steps may seem tedious and time consuming, but consider the alternatives:

• You get defensive immediately upon hearing the criticism and argue with whomever is delivering it.

• You storm out of the room without expressing gratitude, leaving the messenger uneasy.

• You let your emotions boil over and vow to “get back” at whomever is unhappy.

• You never get to a place where you can consider the feedback objectively and plan necessary adjustments.

• You refuse to change, ensuring continued issues and more critcism in the future.

When you consider these alternatives, working through the six steps is well worth your time and effort.

Thank you for reading!

Matt

P.S. If you’d like individual coaching through the six steps for any criticism or feedback you’ve received, please reply to this email or send me a DM on X to schedule a free Zoom meeting.