As I’ve written about before, I used to coach college baseball.

A head coach I worked under once told me the following:

Whenever a player makes a mistake in a game, it’s because you didn’t coach them well enough.

This was advice passed down to him when he was a young coach.

I think he meant well.

I think he was trying to keep me from placing too much blame on our players. He wanted me to empathize with their mistakes.

I took the advice to an unhealthy extreme.

Rather than using the advice to cultivate empathy, I used it to beat myself up for being a “shitty” coach.

My internal response anytime a player made a mistake became, “I’m an awful coach.”

Repeating this to myself over and over again (because players make a lot of mistakes), led to feelings of depression and self-hatred, not empathy.

In reality, there were many factors outside my control that could have led to mistakes:

• Maybe they weren’t feeling well

• Maybe they didn’t commit to the off-season training program I gave them

• Maybe they felt distracted because they bombed a test earlier that day

• Maybe the just messed up because everyone messes up sometimes

I discounted these factors and made their mistakes all about me.

I’m not alone.

Most people spend too much time obsessing over things they can’t control (this likely includes YOU, at least sometimes).

We actually have full control over VERY LITTLE in our lives.

Once you realize and accept this fact, life becomes much easier.

My perspective started to change while reading “Above the Line,” by Urban Meyer.

The book introduced me to the late Tim Kight and his son, Brian, who champion a philosophy centered on the following equation:

Event + Response = Outcome (E+R=O)

Here’s how it works:

Event

The EVENT is simply what’s happened. It’s only the facts.

Visualize this situation:

You leave for work at your normal time and drive along your normal route. About halfway there, you notice the cars up ahead are stopped on the road. You slow down and eventually have to stop your car.

Once your car is stopped, the EVENT is simply:

I’m stopped in traffic.

Once you add to this statement, you’re getting into your RESPONSE to the event.

Response

The RESPONSE includes your thoughts, emotions, and actions related to the event.

It typically follows that order as well:

• You have thoughts about the event

• Your thoughts trigger emotions

• You act based on your emotions

Let’s use the same event as an example:

I’m stuck in traffic.

Here is a possible response:

• This is bullshit! (Thought)

• I’m going to be late for work. (Thought)

• My boss is going to be pissed. (Thought)

• You feel anger and anxiety. (Emotions)

• You honk your horn repeatedly. (Action)

Here’s another possible response:

• I wonder what’s going on. (Thought)

• Maybe there’s an accident. (Thought)

• I hope everyone is okay. (Thought)

• You feel curious. (Emotion)

• You check the traffic report on your phone to find out what’s going on. (Action)

Here’s a third possible response:

• This isn’t good. (Thought)

• If this lasts more than a few minutes, I’m going to be late for work. (Thought)

• You feel a bit stressed. (Emotion)

• You call your boss to let him know what’s going on and give her a heads up that you might be late. (Action)

I could keep going for a long time on possible responses.

The RESPONSE is the only part of the equation you can fully control.

Outcome

The OUTCOME is the result of your response.

For example, if you honk your horn, someone in front of you may flip you off or worse, get out of his car seeking a fight.

You can influence your outcomes based on your responses, but you can’t fully control your outcomes.

For example, your boss may still be upset with you even if you give her a heads up.

Whatever the outcome, it becomes the next event you will need to respond to.

Returning to my story about coaching baseball, learning the E+R=O model helped me realize my common responses to players making mistakes was suboptimal:

• I thought, “I’m such a shitty coach.”

• I felt depressed.

• I acted withdrawn.

The outcomes:

My perpetual bad moods made players feel uneasy and guarded around me.

I beat myself up so much that I didn’t have the bandwidth to think about how to help the players moving forward.

Had I been able to respond differently, realizing a player's mistake isn’t completely my fault, the outcomes would have been much different.

How To Use the E+R=O Model in Your Own Life

Here’s a process to follow to integrate the E+R=O model into your life so you can work through the circumstances you encounter skillfully:

1. Once a day, write about an event that occurred that day or recently. Write only the facts.

2. Describe how you responded to the event. Include your thoughts about the event and subsequent emotions and actions.

3. Describe the outcome following your response.

4. If the outcome wasn’t what you wanted, write how you could have responded differently to produce a different outcome. Again, include thoughts, emotions, and actions.

If you commit to this journaling exercise at least once a day, over time you’ll be able to catch undesirable responses in the moment and self-correct naturally.

Eventually you won’t need to write the model because you’ll work through it on autopilot in your mind.

If you’d like coaching with the E+R=O model, please reply to this email to set up a free session.

Thank you for reading!

Matt