The first time I went to a therapist was in college.

In the 25+ years since then, I’ve seen many different therapists (mostly due to moves). They’ve all been helpful, some more than others.

After a break from therapy for more than a year, I recently started going to Jeff Wells, on a recommendation from a friend.

Jeff’s approach to therapy blends modern psychology with ancient philosophy and wisdom. His style deeply resonates with me. 

His ideas about the nature of thought have particularly struck a chord with me:

• Thoughts are always changing

• We don’t choose most of our thoughts

• Our thoughts impact our emotional AND physical health (whether they are accurate or not)

Jeff goes deeper by describing common “mental mistakes” humans make (I like to call them “thought errors”).

Read on to learn about these thought errors and my commentary about them.

Common Thought Errors

Jumping to Conclusions

You “jump to conclusions” when you form an opinion about an event, person, or thing without knowing all the facts.

For example, consider someone speeding past your car on the highway and cutting you off.

You may “jump to the conclusion” that the person is a reckless asshole.

If you can pause and withhold judgment, however, you will have space to consider alternative reasons he may have cut you off:

• He may be rushing to the hospital after a loved one was in a horrific accident.

• He may be running late for work the day after his boss threatened to fire him if he’s ever late again.

• He may be rushing home from work to assist his wife who’s gone into labor.

Or, he may in fact be a reckless asshole, but considering other possibilities will help you stay calm and move on without making a dangerous decision like tailgaiting his car.

Future Tripping

“Future tripping” is when you feel anxiety about something negative that MAY happen in the future.

A subtype of future tripping is what Jeff calls “The Crystal Ball Syndrome,” when you assume negative outcomes in the future and are convinced those outcomes will absolutely occur.

For example, after a job interview you may predict that you definitely won’t the the job, causing feelings of anxiety, depression, and hopelessness.

Here’s a couple affirmations or mantras you can commit to memory and repeat to yourself when you catch yourself future tripping:

• No matter what happens, I will be okay.

• No matter what happens, I have what it takes to move forward.

Should Statements

I like to affectionately call this one, “should-ing all over yourself” (because my sense of humor is still stuck in middle school 😂).

Jeff also calls it "arguing with reality."

This is when you think something outside your control "should" be different.

Your "should statements" can be directed outwardly (a circumstance or situation you’re encountering) or internally (how you’re thinking and feeling).

For example, here’s an externally-driven should statement:

“My son should behave better, He knows better than that.”

These thoughts lead to feelings of anger, frustration, and/or irritation.

Here’s an example of an internally-driven should statement:

“I should have thought of that earlier. I’m such an idiot.”

These thoughts lead to feelings of embarrassment, guilt, and or shame.

Jeff teaches a simple, yet powerful, concept to overcome should statements:

Accept things as they are and work from there.

The more you fight with reality, the more you’ll spiral out of control. It’s best to achknowledge the fact that “what’s done is done,” and move forward with whatever actions you need to take or solutions you need to implement.

Disproportionate Self-Criticism

When you criticize yourself more harshly than you would someone else under the same circumstances, you’re using “disproportionate self-criticism.”

For example, imagine you trip and fall in the middle of a busy shopping mall.

You might tell yourself:

I’m so clumsy. Why can’t I just walk like a normal person? Everyone must be laughing at me.

If you saw someone else fall, however, you might think:

Oh, no, I hope he’s okay. That looked like it may have hurt.

And if your self-talk is overly critical in a situation like tripping at a shopping mall, imagine how it must be for situations such as:

• Messing up a presentation at work

• Making an error at a cruicial moment on the court or field

• Breaking a promise to a friend

While learning from your mistakes is an important skill, giving yourself grace is equally as important (plus giving yourself grace will shift your mindset quickly, making it easier to learn from your mistakes).

Jeff uses the phrase:

Turn your mind into an ally.

Discounting the Positive

Discounting the positive refers to not allowing yourself to celebrate successes.

Imagine you land an important client at work, for example, and your colleagues offer congratulations, but you say:

“It’s not a big deal. I was just doing my job.”

Not only will this thought error diminish your own sense of joy and accomplishment, your colleagues may feel slighted because you’re deflecting their genuine praise.

A pattern of discounting positive occurrences indicates a troubling lack of self-worth.

If you notice such a pattern, dig into why you don’t feel worthy to receive acknowledgment and commendation for a job well done.

Emotional Reasoning

Emotional reasoning refers to believing your emotions represent absolute truth.

Here’s an example:

Your boss asks to meet with you in an hour. She doesn’t offer a reason for the meeting.

You FEEL uneasy.

You can’t think of anything you’ve done wrong, but you believe the uneasy feeling is a signal that your boss is upset.

In this scenario, it’s certainly POSSIBLE your boss is upset, but it’s also POSSIBLE she wants to offer praise or just wants an update on a current project.

The antidote is understanding the connection between your thoughts and emotions. If you feel uneasy, ask yourself what thoughts are causing your emotions.

Asking this question will help you identify what exactly you’re uneasy about and consider possible alternative scenarios.

This exercise may not erase your nervousness, but will keep you from sprialing into panic.

Magical Thinking

“Magical thinking” refers to your belief that your circumstances will change for someone in your life will make changes without any supporting evidence for the belief.

Here’s an example:

Your romantic partner seems to be showing less interest in you lately. He hasn’t been returning your calls or responding to your text messages as quickly as he used to, and sometimes not at all.

When you’re together, he seems distant and distracted.

Rather than speak your mind about what you’re noticing, you assume he’s just stressed about work or going through a rough patch and will come back around soon.

The biggest problem in this example is not speaking your mind. Assuming he will change is “magical thinking.”

If you’re not comfortable discussing how his actions are affecting you, the relationship may be in trouble.

Express how you’re feeling and what’s on your mind, even if it’s uncomfortable.

All-or-Nothing Thinking

The key to noticing “all-or-nothing thinking” involves two primary words:

“Always” and “never.”

Here are some examples:

“I never get what I want.”

“She always gets her way.”

“I’ll never be able to do that.”

“He’ll never go out with me.”

“He’s always complaining.”

The words “always” and “never” are absolutes and apply to very few circumstances.

Notice when they words pop up in your mind and ask yourself skillful questions.

For example, if you think, “I never get what I want,” ask:

Is that true? Do I really NEVER get what I want?

The answer, obviously is “no,” it’s NOT true. There are times when you HAVE got what you wanted.

Confusing Wants and Needs

There are very few things you actually “need.” Your mind often confuses something you “want” with a “need.”

Here’s are some examples:

“I need dessert after every meal.”

“I need a top-of-the-line coffee maker.”

“I need to find the perfect life partner.”

“I need a beer after work to decompress.”

“I need the promotion.”

In each example, replacing “need” with “want” would make the sentence more accurate.

Increasing your awareness about “needs” versus “wants” will help your decision making processes.

Simply asking yourself, “Do I really need this, or is it just something I want,” will give you more clarity and help you make more effective decisions.

Thinking in Terms of “Can’t”

The word “can’t” is dangerous.

Most people use “can’t” to justify not trying or explain past failures.

It’s rarely accurate. Here are some examples:

“I can’t find a life partner. All the good one’s are taken.”

“I can’t apply for that job. I’m not qualified.”

“I can’t go on the trip. I’m too busy.”

“I can’t wake up early.”

“I can’t workout after work. I’m too tired.”

The word “can’t” suggests “impossible.” None of the examples above are “impossible,” so “can’t” is not accurate.

When you catch yourself saying “can’t,” say the sentence again using “don’t want to” (either out loud to yourself or in your head). This will give you a new perspective.

Consider the first example from above in this context:

“I can’t find a life partner,” turns into “I don’t want to find a life partner.”

You’ll quickly realize that you CAN in fact find a life partner. You’ll then be able to decide if you truly don’t want to, or it you just haven’t found a life partner yet.

Catastraphizing

Catastraphizing refers to making things worse in your mind that they actually are, often using words like “awful,” “horrible,” “terrible,” etc.

Here are some examples:

“My performance was awful.”

“My boss is horrible.”

“It’s unbearably hot outside.”

“The food was terrible.”

“This traffic is brutal.”

When you catch yourself using highly-charged negative descriptions, ask questions:

“Was my performance really awful, or was it just not my best?”

“Is my boss really horrible, or was he just in a bad mood today?”

“Can I really not “bear” the heat, or is it just uncomfortable?”

Changing your perspective and decreasing the negative charge using more accurate descriptions will keep you from spiraling into dark moods.

Confusing “Choosing To” with “Having To”

This one is similar to “wants” versus “needs.”

There are very few things we “have to” do, but our thoughts can convince us otherwise.

Here are some examples:

“I have to go to church.”

“I have to go to the party.”

“I have to get this project done.”

“I have to finish watching this show.”

“I have to leave.”

When you catch yourself saying “have to,” ask yourself:

Do I really “have to” do this, or am I “choosing to” do this?

The answer will almost always be the latter. Once you make this distinction, you can decide if you really want to “choose to” or not.

There you have it!

Thank you for reading.

Matt