Last week, a windstorm blew over a tree in my backyard.

The tree fell on some power lines, causing an electrical fire in our home.

Thankfully, we weren’t home at the time and all our pets are fine, but the fire caused considerable damage to our electrical system.

I spent much of the next day on the phone with our insurance company.

I felt increasingly agitated throughout the day because I struggled to find someone who could help me secure temporary housing.

Numerous customer service representatives placed me on hold for extended periods and/or transferred me to people who didn’t answer. Several times the call dropped while I was waiting on hold.

After several hours, my frustration reached a boiling point, and I unloaded on one of the representatives.

She took my profanity-laced temper tantrum in stride and did what she could to help (she DID end up solving the problem).

I felt awful as soon as I hung up the phone:

• “How could I treat her like that?”

• “What’s wrong with me?”

• “I’m such an asshole.”

I found her email address and sent her the following message:

Victoria,

This is Matt Schirm. We just spoke on the phone.

I was incredibly rude to you. I apologize.

I took out a lot of frustration on you and none of it was your fault.

There's no excuse for me acting that way. You don't deserve to be treated that way (nor does anybody).

I'm very sorry.

Sincerely,

Matt Schirm

She responded gracefully:

Matt,

Thank you so much for this! But no worries at all! I am completely understanding and know how frustrating and complicated this can all be, and I am here to work with you. If you have any questions or concerns, please don’t hesitate to reach out!

Thank you!

Victoria

I felt better after sending the apology and better yet after receiving her response, but I still felt upset with myself for how I acted.

After reflecting on the incident, something occurred to me:

In the past, I would have allowed the self-defeating thoughts to run wild in my mind.

I would have tied, “I’m such an asshole,” to who I am as a person, and this would have thrown me into a deeply depressed state.

What I noticed, however, was something different…a sign of growth.

Guilt vs. Shame

I noticed that I didn’t feel upset with MYSELF, I felt upset about my BEHAVIOR.

I felt guilty, but not shame.

This is an important distinction:

Guilt is about how you act, whereas shame is about who you are as a person.

I SHOULD have felt guilty. I treated the customer service rep like shit. I BEHAVIOR was unacceptable.

The guilt I felt motivated me to write the email (a positive response).

Had I felt shame (“I AM an asshole” instead of “I ACTED like an asshole”), I would have spiraled into a deep, debilitating depression for days (at best) or weeks/months (at worst).

Had I felt shame, I wouldn’t have sent an email to apologize. I would have been too consumed with thoughts about myself.

Five Steps to Be a “Better” Asshole

The key to being a “better” asshole is to NOT allow feelings of guilt to turn into feelings of shame.

Here’s how:

1) Understand the Nature of Thoughts

Here are some key points about the nature of thoughts that will help you prevent guilt turn into shame:

• How you feel is connected to how you think.

• Even if thoughts are inaccurate, believing them will change how you feel.

• You don’t have to believe your thoughts.

If you think, “I AM an asshole,” and you buy into that thought, you will feel shame.

If you think, “I AM an asshole,” and reframe the thought to “I ACTED like an asshole,” you will feel guilt.

This is a critical distinction.

2) Catch Your Mistakes

Anytime you feel shame, you’re believing thoughts that aren’t based in reality.

The key, then, is to notice when you feel shame and immediately correct your thoughts.

Like I mentioned above, changing “I AM an asshole” to “I ACTED like an asshole” makes a significant difference.

The first thought is inaccurate. You’re NOT an asshole at your core (nobody is).

The second thought MAY be accurate. We all BEHAVE like assholes sometimes.

To get better at catching your mistakes, practice mindfulness:

• Go to a quiet place and eliminate distractions.

• Be silent and tune into your body.

• Notice your body sensations and how you’re feeling.

• If you notice a particular feeling, examine your thoughts.

Repeat this process multiple times every day. Your awareness will improve quickly, and you’ll get better at catching your thought errors even when you’re not practicing mindfulness intentionally.

3) Recite Affirmations

I used to think affirmations were silly and meaningless.

When I recited affirmations, I found no tangible change in my mindset.

My current therapist introduced me a different perspective:

Affirmations are about reprogramming your mind, not helping you feel better in the moment.

He suggested I write 5-7 affirmations (he calls them “principles”), on an index card and reference them whenever I feel “off.” Here’s what I wrote:

• Process > Outcome

• You don’t have to believe everything you think.

• Others aren’t thinking about you, they’re thinking about themselves.

• There’s no such thing as failure, only feedback.

• Leave the metronome alone.

Over time, I’ve found that I need to use the card less and less.

These affirmations are becoming imprinted on my mind and accessible when I need them.

I can sense a permanent shift in my mindset.

Reciting these affirmations helped me keep my feelings of guilt about how I treated the customer service rep from turning into feelings of shame.

Don’t underestimate the power of affirmations.

Just like I did, write 5-7 affirmations on an index card and always keep the card with you. Recite them multiple times every day and every time you feel “off.”

4) Thought Downloads

I was introduced to the concept of “thought downloads” by Dr. Darin Wilson, a life coach I worked with for more than two years. Here’s how it works:

Whenever you feel shame, ask yourself, “What thoughts are causing me to feel shame?”

Spend a couple minutes writing down the thoughts that come to mind.

Next, go back through the list and ask yourself, “Are these thoughts absolutely true?” Mark “yes” or “no” next to each thought.

Finally, ask yourself, “What else might be true?”

Here’s an example based on my example from above:

“What thoughts are causing me to feel shame?”

• “I treated her like shit.”

• “I’m such an asshole.”

“Are these thoughts absolutely true?”

• “I treated her like shit.” YES

• “I’m such an asshole.” NO

“What else might be true?

• I ACTED like an asshole, but that’s not who I am at my core. I can and will do better in the future.

5) Make a Plan and Execute

Once you’ve discarded the shame-inducing thoughts, you may still feel guilty.

This is okay. You can work with guilt.

To work through guilty feelings, plan to rectify the situation (if possible) and execute the plan.

For my situation above, my guilty feelings motivated me to send the email apologizing to the customer service representative.

In some cases, you may not be able to rectify the situation, but you can commit to not making the same mistakes again.

Thank you for reading!

I hope you found this letter useful.

Until next week,

Matt